Jasper is Blue
by Scrawlding
Summary: T-light M. Jasper and Alice think up ways to kill time in bed. Hmmm... Mildly sexy. Crack-fic


It's a high PG-13, very weak M. Nothing too serious. If you think you might have a problem with it, don't read it. (Crack-fic-esque)

No, I don't own Twilight, the characters, or their stories. They own me. :3

* * *

A moment of solace together after a long, busy month. But what is a month to a vampire? Renesmee's birth, the almost battle with the Volturi; that could have been years ago. Seconds ago. But now they were alone. Jasper put his ice-cold hand on Alice's and caressed her fingers playfully.

"Hey, Alice?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to um, you know?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you want to fool around a little?"

"We only have seventeen minutes."

"What? Why?"

"Because in exactly," Alice looked at the clock on the wall, "Sixteen minutes now, Renesmee will come walking through that door and ask, 'Where's Mommy?'"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So, no I guess?"

"No, it's not a 'no' but you'll have to be very quick. No scenic route, take the interstate."

"Okay, got it."

A flash of zippers, buttons, and snaps. With vampiric speed and only wasting a fraction of a second, Jasper was naked. His ivory legs straddling the waiting, expectant form of the marble pixie below him. He lowered, mere millimeters from entering her soft moist cavern, when suddenly-

"It's okay, it happens to a lot of guys!" Alice shouted, her eyes glazing over for a second.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper asked, pulling away.

"Umm… nothing. Where were we?"

"Did you just see the future? Did I…?"

"Aww… you tried your best baby, that's all that matters, right?"

Embarrassed and frustrated, he asked, "Is there any point in trying."

"Sure, go ahead. Try away." Alice smiled and waggled her hips encouragingly.

"Never mind, forget it." Jasper rolled over, facing the wall.

"Next time will be better, I promise." Alice kissed his diamond hard shoulder.

"What do we do now?"

"We could watch TV maybe, Hmm? Does that sound like fun?"

"I guess." Jasper reached for the remote and clicked the power. The television screen brightened and a familiar tune resonated from the speakers. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "I like this show," Jasper admitted, cracking a smile.

"Oh, this is a good one. It's the episode where Marie takes up art as a hobby and ends up sculpting a giant clay vagina. It's a classic, you'll love it." Alice chimed cheerfully.

Jasper's head hurt all of a sudden. "You know what; I don't feel like watching TV anymore."

"Sure, that's fine."

The door creaked open, light from the hall slowly flooding, inch by inch, the darkness of the bedroom.

"Where's Mommy?"

Jasper looked to his wife, knowing that she had foreseen this moment and probably knew exactly where Bella was.

Alice stammered, "She's busy with Daddy at the moment. They'll be busy for about another forty-five minutes. Kay?" Her golden eyes got glossy again. When they cleared she smiled cheerfully at the adorable little hybrid in front of her. "You know what? I think Esmee will have a surprise waiting for you in the kitchen in about three minutes."

"Ooh! What is it."

Whispering low, she answered, "A kitty-cat."

"Yummy!" shrieked the little girl as she rubbed her tummy through her Little Mermaid pajamas. Squeals of pleasure and laughter echoed down the hall as she ran off toward the kitchen. Waiting for Esmee to bring her lunch.

"Are they having fun?" asked Jasper acidly.

"Who?"

He stuck his tongue behind his lower lip and grimaced.

"Oh… Edward and-"

"Yeah."

"Oh yes, they are quite the lovebirds aren't they. Haha, ha, heh, oh… I'm sorry dear, still upset about the?"

"You could say that."

"How would you feel if I told you we have the next six hours all alone, no interruptions. Just the two of us? Hmmm? How does that sound?"

"Actually Dear, I have a raging case of blue balls at the moment and I don't think I'm up to moving, let alone sex for six hours."

"I'm sorry," she paused, and then piped up enthusiastically, "How about tomorrow?"

"Maybe," Jasper croaked, wincing as he moved his right leg.

And that, dear readers, is why Jasper Cullen looks like he's in pain most of the time. Cheers!


End file.
